This Chipotle is awesome!

No really, from now on when I want something to write about I'm going to Chipotle. Such colorful people they have there. This time, I was getting a burrito and there was a man standing at the end of the counter accusing the employees or the system of losing his online order. I'm sure that happens from time to time. As one congressman will tell you, the internet is a series of tubes (skip to near the end) so it's easy to understand how a few burritos might get clogged up on the way to the local restaurant. This guy didn't get it though. He acted like he's never so much as had one dropped call in his entire fucking life.



I personally think the normal thing at that point would have been to resubmit the order. Not this guy, though. This guy picked up his cell phone and said, "Well let me see what I should do," as though he were going to scare the employees into magically finding his misplaced order in the system. I got news for you, Bucko, unless your personally calling the president or an Arizona highway patrolman, they're probably not going to give a fuck who's on the other end of your I-didn't-get-what-I-expected hotline. Now being a man of about 40 and looking rather poorly placed in government, I'm guessing that you're really calling your wife. Oh no, Jesus (really that was the employee's name), find this man's order now before his wife picks up the red phone!

Let me get this straight, you show up to pick up an order at Chipotle, and they didn't make it, so instead of asking them to make it, you call your wife to see what you should do? That conversation must be "Honey, if I stay and ask them to make it now I'll be home 5 minutes later than I said I would be. Do I have permission to stay and have them make it or should I pick up something from the grocery store so I can get you a gallon of ice cream to make up for their incompetence? Also, tonight during foreplay I want to be in charge for a few seconds. No? Ok, Baby, whatever you say."

I almost kicked him in the groin on the way out just to see if he was an ugly cross-dressing woman. I'm not sure if he was trying to get free food out of the deal or honestly didn't know whether or not to just leave. I know she said she wanted you to communicate more, but what she really meant is that she didn't want to come home to you and your buddies having a surprise poker game (or tea party in your case) on a Friday night. I'm pretty sure the lack of burrito-readiness doesn't require a consult.

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Skip to 10 minutes later, and I'm in the car destroying a burrito and chips and I reach for a can of Pepsi out of the case I keep in my car. I put it between my legs with one hand and went to open it and the damn thing exploded. Not in the, "Oh no, you shook my Pepsi up, oh no" way. It was more like, holy fuck they put an M-80 in my fucking beverage. I barely pulled up the tab and the pressure from the heat and the over-filled can almost completely blew off the metal tab that usually bends inward.



I actually checked for my nuts at first. Not checked to make sure they were okay, I actually checked for them in general... ya know to see if they were still there. It was about that point that I realized how quickly a grown man could lose his testicles to something a small as a 12 oz. can of sugar water, so maybe I should go easy on the pedo stache touting dumb fuck at Chipotle next time...

Nah fuck that guy.