The madness is actually worth mentioning I suppose, as it began annoyingly enough with a trip down memory lane to kindergarten when on our first day of class we were treated to our choice of candies out of a bucket. I chose the Smarties. I simultaneously realized this woman was mental.
I fucking love candy, but this bitch is nuts.
It dawns on me now that throughout the rest of the semester we systematically drudged through a reenactment of the entire education timeline, beginning with a spelling test the next class and culminating in a group presentation before the college's "Board of Governor's." While that sounds important, it was in fact, a 5 minute power-point given to only one person who wasn't even remotely a board member (with short, gray, curly hair and horn-rimmed glasses). The topic that she chose for us was how commencement ceremonies could best be shortened.
I don't want you to miss out on the key detail here that we ALL gave the SAME speech to the professor who had chosen the assignment. Having only sat through one or two UCM graduations in my life, I can say I was never so bored that I sat around contemplating how to shorten one of the most important moments in the graduates' lives, but my professor clearly had. Against our will we created surveys (which she lost), submitted proposals (which she degraded) and repeated everything the group before us had said (which she constantly interrupted).
I digress to mention a late semester assignment wherein we were required to participate in a mock interview with the university's Career Services department. I donned my newly purchased suit and with résumé in hand I strode in with confidence and completed the interview with flying colors, not that it mattered since it was simply pass/fail. After a few critiques of my résumé from the interviewer (yeah I'm being a pompous ass and including the accent marks in résumé. Fucking deal with it), I revised the document and turned it in to my professor for her evaluations.
Try not to fuck this up, okay?
As I was handing it in, Mrs. Doubtfire turned to me and asked me what I thought about Career Services. Before a single utterance had left my lips she filled in my answer for me, "They don't know a damn thing up there do they?"
Uh.... I hope they do. Because you just had me go spend an hour kissing their asses and having them review this piece of paper I'm turning in to you for a grade...
***A few days later***
As was custom, I came into class and sat down at my group table where our graded assignments were laying face down waiting for us. Yippee, I thought as I silently contemplated how this woman hadn't been fired yet. I flipped over my résumé to find a sea of red. My first thought was that she must have picked up her red pen and it leaked all over her fingers so she wiped them on my pages to clean them off. Slowly the scribble became coherent, and I realized the ink-leak theory was bust.
I started to pore over the bullshit that she had mixed in with my bullshit.
Scanning... scanning... Well I got my name right
That was apparently where my success stopped. The summary section. I've never been much of a fan of the summary section. If you need me to summarize everything you're going to read over the next 30 seconds, then fuck you. Seriously, just take my résumé and recycle the thing up your asshole. What the fuck can I tell you about me that you're not about to read? Yeah, my name is Mike and I used to read Goosebumps books and I think that this summary is worthless.
Of course I didn't write that. I actually tried. I'd like to tell you I succeeded, but I somehow managed to even fuck up talking about myself. Actually, that's not entirely true. My summary section had a big red slash through it. Several words written nearby in chicken scratch. Most of the rest of page had been decoded already. I squinted my eyes to read the two words "written" near the -5 points of my summary section.
It read: "Self-Centered"
No, really. What the fucking fuck is this shit?
You know that moment where you think you have met the stupidest person you've ever met in your life, and then someone comes along and proves you were wrong? This was that person for me. Crazy-ass Mrs. Doubtfire was my new stupidest person. I had been docked 5 points on my résumé for being self-centered in my summary section. There isn't enough what the fuck in the world to satisfy how I feel about this event in my life. I hope I never find another stupider person. Ever.
Take a look at this dumb ass, he didn't even write a summary! Oh he got an A? Well fuck me then.
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