It's 8:00am. I'm not at work and would get in trouble for goofing off at work, so once again, I'm not at work (I'm at work). I haven't slept much at all and it's put me in quite the mood. You see, yesterday after work I realized I had left the lights on in my truck all day, so with a full parking lot of cars I said fuck it and hoofed it home. On my way home, I contracted some form a cold, or pneumonia, or with my luck SARS or Bird Flu or some other such shit. So after an afternoon of sleeping my runny nose away (to no avail mind you) I woke up with more than my fair share of time with nothing to do and certainly no way to go do it.
At first I sat there pretending to want to be productive. But I played some video games instead, having hopefully made a few adolescents cry regarding their inability to effectively communicate with others over a fucking microphone.
You deserved to lose for using a CRT monitor.
After I was fed up with losing and satisfied that I had made at least one poor bastard smash his keyboard to bits, I resorted to actually being productive. I started laying out a new database and before long a wild though crept into my head: I should watch the Resident Evil Series.
That was the most herp derping idea I've had in ages. That's like someone coming up to me and asking me if I wanted to watch all the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that had Danny DeVito in them. Would you like my kidneys, too? I watched the Resident Evil series from start to end and the only thing that kept me going through those four movies was Milla Jovovich's exposed breasts that I felt I was robbed of seeing in The Fifth Element. Oh yeah sure, there's that scene at the end where she's making out with Bruce Willis but there's all that blue lighting and it just wasn't working for me. Problem is, she showed her tits about 43 times fewer than would be required for me to watch that series again. Hell by the third movie I was ready to find something else to watch but then Ali Larter showed up looking like she wanted to win a damn Oscar for sexiest use of the "Haven't-showered-in-months-due-to-the-apocalypse" look, and I thought "Aha! Fresh bosoms!" (Seriously, why don't you try finding appropriate euphemisms for breasts that carry as much of an impact as the word "tits" and I'll give you a medal when you do. I figure I can get away with saying "tits" maybe once a year with my audience, and since I've already said it three times now and I'm fucking tired of thinking, you get bosoms. Enjoy.)
Why didn't I see more of this?
Well as anyone who's ever wasted their time watching the third and fourth installments of the Resident Evil series (yeah, that's right, four movies. Fucking four), Ali Larter isn't as generous with her goods as Milla. Well that just sucks, Ali. What the hell. What the helling hell.
That doesn't count as a shower scene, Ms. Larter.
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